I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
