I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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