Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
