When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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