Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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