I want to have your abortion
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
tell me about the eggs
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