Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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