The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize