I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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