My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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