I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
