yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
