Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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