whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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