The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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