what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
