Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
