Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
