I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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