Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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