Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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