I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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