So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
