Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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