I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
