it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
