He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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