you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
