So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
