He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
