Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
