words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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