no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
