A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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