My balls are so social today.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
