You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
