I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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