Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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