At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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