...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
