I wish my penis had an off switch
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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