So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
