I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize