I saw his package. It spoke to me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
