at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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