he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
