Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
