Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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