my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
