your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
