yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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