Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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