he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
