I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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