I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
