I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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